not knowing is worse
by autumn midnights
Summary: 'Even though I'm not technically writing you, since these letters are just ending up in a little box in my trunk, under my bed.' Su Li, Lisa Turpin, and being separated during the Year From Hell. Set during DH. M&MWP.


_Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter. Also, SuLisa is a Mew and Mor's Weird Pairing. _

* * *

_September 1997_

_Dear Lisa,_

_I know I can't send this. I don't know where you and Stephen are. I'm glad to know you're trying to keep each other safe, and I really appreciate that you let me and the others know what was going on. If you had just up and disappeared, I would have been even more worried, with everything that's been in the Daily Prophet recently. At least knowing that you two are hiding out somewhere, trying to avoid the Muggle-born Registration Commission and the Snatchers and whatever the hell else - it's better than not knowing. I'm still worried, though._

_Which I guess is why I'm writing to you, even though I know there's no way to send this letter. I just wish you were here, not that here is great either. I'm writing this from the Ravenclaw common room, the first night back at Hogwarts. It's different this year. Snape is Headmaster, can you believe it? Complete bullshit. And there are two new professors. Professor Burbage is gone - she's Muggle-born too, I'm not shocked - so our new Muggle Studies professor is Alecto Carrow, and her brother Amycus is teaching Defense Against the Dark Arts. They're just calling it Dark Arts now. I don't know what that's going to entail, but I'm not happy about it. Also, Muggle Studies is now mandatory. Padma's pissed, her schedule was already full beforehand. _

_Nobody knows what's happening. It's basically confirmed that the Carrows are Death Eaters. Tons of students are gone - I'm assuming it's all the other Muggle-borns, mostly, although Harry Potter and Ron Weasley are also absent, so who the hell knows what that's __about. _

_We're both in a weird situation right now, I suppose. I guess I just wish we were in the same weird situation. I miss you._

_-Su_

* * *

_September 1997, part 2_

_Dear Lisa,_

_Things are so much worse than I thought._

_The Carrows' classes themselves started off on a bad note, to begin with - and this isn't even the worst of the story, but they can't teach for shit. I'm not even sure if they have any NEWTs to their names. Alecto seems slightly more intelligent than her brother, but they're both oafs. Dark Arts literally consists of Amycus Carrow giving us small animals and telling us to try Unforgivable Curses. We got through two full class periods before Theodore Nott pointed out that none of us even knew the wand movements, since illegal Dark curses aren't exactly review. _

_And Muggle Studies is almost worse, because Alecto just goes on these __awful, bigoted rants about Muggles and Muggle-borns. That's the whole class. It's offensive as shit and I honestly don't even know how she has the energy to drone on like that for an hour. _

_All of this would be bad enough. But then, last Muggle Studies class, Seamus Finnegan decided to stand up and start arguing with Alecto. And at first it was okay, because he was just raising good points and she was trying (and failing) to contradict him with her awful rhetoric. But then he devolved and started insulting her directly, and she got pissed off and gave him detention. _

_I didn't think too much of it then. Hell, I've been in detention a few times, you know that. So I figured it would just be one of the usual shitty things - cleaning something by hand, or prepping some of the nastier Potions ingredients, you know. The normal stuff. _

_It wasn't._

_He went down to the dungeons, and the Carrows used the Cruciatus Curse on him. _

_I don't even know what to write. Everyone knows. He spread the news the second he got out of there. I think all of Hogwarts knew by the next morning. I just still can't believe that this is happening. Hogwarts was supposed to be the safest place. There are children here. (And normally, this is where I would probably joke about not exactly liking them, but I can't even make that sound right. The younger years are annoying, but they deserve to be protected from the horrors of war, the horrors of whatever the hell is going on here). _

_I hope you're okay, wherever you are. I'm terrified. For everyone._

_-Su_

* * *

_September 1997, part 3_

_Dear Lisa,_

_Everything is upside-down. The shitstorm is upon us. _

_Apparently every time the Carrows give detention, they use the Cruciatus. They barely even take House points - it's just straight to detention. Neville Longbottom, of all people, tested that theory with Amycus Carrow the other day. I think a few other people have gotten detention now too, from fifth and sixth year, and it's all the same. The other professors are having no part of it, of course, but there's not much that they can do. McGonagall has looked about ready to have a cow for almost a solid month. All of them are being nicer than normal, too - Kevin fell asleep in Astronomy the other day and Sinistra didn't even do anything about it. _

_I don't know if this is true, because you know how rumors spread here, but I heard that the Carrows took away Madam Pomfrey's stock of Pain-killing Potion and won't let her give it to students who come from detention. Supposedly, they're holding onto it and if there's an actual emergency, they'll allow it. But no relief for people who got cursed. Apparently after the Cruciatus the aftereffects linger and you're sore and achy and shit, but they're not letting her treat that sort of thing._

_Do you remember back in fifth year, when Michael, Anthony, Terry, and Padma joined that secret Defense club that Harry Potter was involved with? Dumbledore's Army? And the rest of us were so freaked out about OWLs, and weren't even totally sure that You-Know-Who was back, that we didn't bother. Well, there's rumors going around that it's going to start up again - that the D.A. is going to re-form. I'm guessing Ginny Weasley will be at the head of it, but I don't know. It's all speculation right now. I don't know who started the rumor that it'll come back. _

_But I think, this time around, if it does come back - I think we're all going to go for it. _

_We overlooked a lot of shit back in fifth year. And it was multifaceted; we were young and scared, we weren't sure what was going on, we just wanted to focus on getting our OWLs, and most of all, it just felt like a lot of things weren't our problem. When you're fifteen, the thought of being prepared for something that isn't immediately facing you - it doesn't seem necessary. But now, everything is staring us in the face. You-Know-Who is back, and not only back, but in control. Our friends are missing - you're missing. Hogwarts isn't safe anymore, isn't home anymore. _

_We're all angry. It's time we do something about that._

_-Su_

* * *

_October 1997_

_Dear Lisa,_

_Well, it's official; we're all members of Dumbledore's Army. A few people have taken to calling it D.A. Part Two, but what I really think of is 'New and Improved', because holy shit there are a lot of people in attendance. Michael says it's about twice as large as last time. Neville Longbottom is in charge, with Ginny Weasley and Luna Lovegood assisting, which is interesting. Not necessarily what any of us would have expected, but it's working. They had to restrict it to fourth-year and up because nobody wants the kids getting in trouble. A couple of the younger ones tried to show up, but Luna escorted them back to their common rooms. _

_It's nice, being a part of something. Everything's still shit but at least we all have each other. But it's also true that when we're all together, it becomes really apparent that people are missing. I miss you, Lisa. I don't want to say 'I wish you were here', because it's so shitty here that I don't want to wish that on you, but I wish we could be in the same place. I wish that place was far away from here. I just want us both to be safe and content and not in danger, but right now that's apparently a fantasy. _

_I'm scared for you. And I'm scared for myself, as well, but at least I know what's going on here. I think the not knowing is worse. I hope you're still with Stephen, because the thought of you on your own out there terrifies me. _

_Love, Su_

* * *

_November 1997_

_Dear Lisa,_

_It's so cold outside right now. I'm writing this wrapped in a blanket. I hope you're inside and warm. I wonder if it might snow; it feels cold enough to do so. (Padma says I'm being ridiculous and it's almost ten degrees above freezing, and there's no way it could snow yet, but I call bullshit. There's wind and it's freaking cold and she can't predict the weather anyway.). _

_It probably sounds like I'm angry with Padma, looking at that previous paragraph. Which isn't the case. I'm angry in general, not at her. She's fine. But Morag and Michael got detention this past week, and seeing them come back - it just sucked, knowing that they were in pain and I couldn't do anything about it even though I wanted nothing more than to storm the Carrows' offices and punch them out like a Muggle. They're fine, relatively. Going to classes and doing homework. Like everything is normal. _

_I don't think Morag slept the night after - I'm pretty sure she was up the entire night. I could hear her tossing and turning well past midnight. I had the canopy drawn but I was studying for Transfiguration. It was around one and I called out to her to ask if she was awake. She didn't respond, but then I heard her get up and go down to the common room a half hour later. I didn't know what to do. I still don't. They haven't talked about it, at least not with the rest of us. The closest thing to discussing it was when we all went to eat that night, and Michael scarfed down three plates of food. Padma gave him a Look, and he said, "What? I needed to replenish my energy after today." And then it hasn't come up since. _

_I feel like you'd be better at talking to them. You're better at the whole sensitive, empathizing thing than I am. I can't even think of how I could ask them if they're okay without sounding like a complete arse. But you're caring and I feel like you would know exactly what to say in this situation. I've just been staying quiet so I don't stick my foot in my mouth. _

_Love, Su_

* * *

_November 1997, part 2_

_Dear Lisa,_

_I've been trying to keep an eye on the Daily Prophet. There's been all these reports of Snatchers hunting down Muggle-borns - I know that's been the case for a few months, but it seems like they're ramping up. I scan the paper each morning, hoping I don't see you and Stephen. I wish I knew more. I just want to know that you're safe. I wish I could actually send these letters, or hell, I wish you could send me a letter, regardless of whether or not I could respond. I've just been so worried. _

_I can't stop thinking about it - I can't stop thinking of you. It scares me._

_Love, Su_

* * *

_December 1997_

_Happy Christmas, Lisa,_

_Not that there's much to be happy about this year. I'm home for the holiday. Mum and Dad keep asking me how Hogwarts is, and I don't know how to respond, so I've been effectively hiding in my room for the past few days because I don't know how to talk to them. Of course there's some mundane things I can tell them, but it feels weird to brag about McGonagall saying my Transfiguration essay was great when my friends were tortured last month. _

_I don't want to worry them by telling them everything. I think I also don't want to see their reactions. I don't want to tell them, and then have them say 'Well, sucks, but you just gotta go back'. They're right - it's not like I'm going to leave, I have no other place to go - but I'm afraid they'll downplay everything that's going on. You know - they both work at the Ministry. They have to remain neutral and quiet. And I feel like I can't tell them about the D.A., about all of that, because they'll tell me I shouldn't be a part of it. I just don't want to hear anything from them._

_They must know, of course, that Hogwarts is changed this year. They're not stupid. But I still don't want to hear it from them. _

_I'm sorry - this probably seems like dumb complaints, because at least I'm spending the holiday with family. Shit. I sound like an arse. I wish you could be with your mum - I wish everything was back to normal, and you could come over. I hope you and Stephen got to do something for the holiday, however small. We all deserve a day to celebrate or relax or at least try to forget that the world is on fire._

_Love, Su_

* * *

_December 1997, part 2_

_Lisa, yeah, guess what, I learned something, Firewhiskey is really good at helping forget about the whole world-is-shit thing. Especially when you're barely five feet tall. _

_I think I may be a little drunk. Or a lot drunk._

_Mum and Dad have a few bottles of liquor. I poured a big glass for myself because it was ten-thirty at night and I was sad because everything sucks right now. The big glass is gone. Things do not suck as much right now. Or, well, I guess they do, and the tiny little part of my brain that is still vaguely coherent knows that. But I don't FEEL angry and sad like I have for definitely months now. _

_I miss you, though. A lot. A REAL LOT. Lisa, if I knew - if I had even the slightest idea of where to start looking, I would like to come and find you and Apparate the hell out of this country or jump on a Muggle whatsit and go somewhere else. You and me. Getting the hell out. It's so stupid because I know mail's being intercepted, and you'd never risk sending a letter, but I still have a brief moment of getting excited whenever I see an owl come by, just hoping it's bringing news from you. _

_You know, it's kind of sad, when I think about it - my first time getting drunk is alone in my room over Christmas hols because my friends were tortured and my other friends are missing and the government is a literal shitshow and everything is awful. Like, don't people usually get drunk with friends and do stupid teenage shit like break a window and puke in someone's garden? I just want to be that carefree._

_Also, and you know, I never said this before because it's such a dumb thing to bitch about considering everything else that's going on, but THEY CANCELED QUIDDITCH. COMPLETELY. Like, no House teams, no tryouts, no games, nothing. It's like Umbridge's stupid no-clubs rule, but worse. They didn't even give an explanation! Just straight-up canceled it. It's been canceled since the beginning of the year. I just didn't want to say anything because I know it's not really important, but I'm drunk so what are priorities anymore._

_I wish I could complain about dumb shit to you in person. I wish I could send you this. I want to see your face. I miss your face. I miss you. _

_Love love love Su_

* * *

_January 1998_

_Dear Lisa,_

_They took Luna. _

_The train had stopped on the way back to King's Cross, but nobody had come into our compartment so I had honestly just figured that it was some kind of mechanical problem. I didn't think much of it at the time. Honestly, it reminds me of that summer - back between fourth and fifth year, when I came and stayed at your house for a week. And your mum drove us in her car to go shopping, and when we came back out from the stores it wouldn't start up again. _

_And I remember she bought a new part - battery? I think that's the word I'm thinking of, but I could be completely wrong - and you helped her replace it. And your hands got all smudgy and sooty and grimy from all of the things that make the car go, and then you touched your face and got it all over yourself, and I was on the pavement laughing uselessly. I wish I had a picture of us from that day. You looked cute with grease all over your face. I remember your mum said so. (She was kinda right, you know). _

_So I had figured that the train grinding to a halt and stopping for five minutes was just a problem like that - that they had fixed it quickly and then we moved on. I guess that was naive of me to think, with everything that's been going on. Nothing's ever simple now, is it. But Luna's back, and Ginny and Neville - who were in the compartment with her - said that it was the Death Eaters who took her. Supposedly it's because of the things that her father printed in the Quibbler, but I think all of us are scared. What if it wasn't because of her dad, but what if it was because Luna's helping run the D.A., and somebody figured that out?_

_I don't know how they would. I don't think Luna actually got detention even once. But everyone knows she's friendly with Ginny and Neville, and they haven't exactly been subtle. So I think everyone's anxious that she got taken because of the D.A., and what that could mean for the rest of us. _

_What if they start picking us off, one by one?_

_Love, Su_

* * *

_February 1998_

_Dear Lisa,_

_Happy Valentine's Day. _

_It's somber. Hogsmeade weekends have been canceled for most of the year, and it's not like the Carrows are exactly putting decorations up. Of course there are people in relationships, but even then, everyone's very subtle. The Carrows didn't institute the same rules as Umbridge about public displays of affection - I honestly think they don't give a damn about that kind of thing - but I think people still feel weird about it regardless, considering the general atmosphere at the school. _

_You know, I've never done anything for Valentine's Day. The closest thing would be when we went down to Honeydukes on February fifteenth last year. Remember that big sale they were having on chocolates, and how we split a box for half price? I remember standing outside, picking out the best ones, and arguing over the merits of caramel vs. marshmallow. You know, that was a great day._

_Hell, we've grown up together, practically, so you know that Valentine's Day has never been my thing, but I haven't been completely honest with you. I haven't been honest with a lot of people, to be quite frank. You know how I've never gone out with anyone? I mean, Kevin and I went to the Yule Ball, but that doesn't even count, really, because all of us were just pairing up so that we could have an excuse to go. But there's a reason that I've never gone on a date. I fancy girls. I've known for a long time. Like, since-I-was-a-kid long time. _

_But people are dumb. And I didn't want to be the only loud, out person at Hogwarts. I'm sure a few people had their inclinations. Ah, yes, girl who's obsessed with Quidditch and never makes an effort to look feminine - I suppose I fit a few stereotypes. But until this year, nobody knew. I told the others. I didn't necessarily intend to, when I started this school year, but with everything that's been happening, it just seemed like such a nonessential thing. Like who cares about sexuality when people are getting tortured. _

_And everyone reacted fine. (And by everyone, I'm just referring to our friends, just the seventh-year Ravenclaws; I'm not out to the whole school or anything like that). I told Kevin and Michael very casually. They were talking about Vicky Frobisher, and saying she was hot, and I just responded with, "Yeah, she is hot, but I still feel a little weird saying it because she's only fifteen or sixteen, and I'm of age." And Kevin did a double-take, and said something about how would I know, and then Michael called him an idiot and said that there's nothing weird with noticing another girl is hot, and then I said, "Yeah, especially when you fancy girls, genius," and then after that they started including me in their conversations about hot girls. _

_They told Anthony and Terry, which I didn't exactly ask them to do but didn't tell them not to either. I told the girls - I told Padma and Mandy together, and Mandy looked surprised and Padma didn't. And then I told Morag, and - I don't know, I'm not sure what to make of it. She was completely accepting, it wasn't that - I almost got a sense from her that she maybe isn't completely straight either. But I didn't press; there's bigger shit going down than that, and if she's not ready to focus on that part of her life, I don't blame her. _

_(She's had detention twice now. It's funny - Morag was so goddamn neutral, but this year has really set her off. Remember when I was bitching about Umbridge and she told me I should calm down? I didn't speak to her for two days after that. Now, she's taking inspiration from the Gryffindors.). _

_So I suppose it's only fitting that I tell you this, as well. Even though I'm not technically writing you, since these letters are just ending up in a little box in my trunk, under my bed. It feels incomplete, to tell all the other Ravenclaws but not you. So here it is: I fancy girls, and only girls. I'm a lesbian. And you deserve to know, because I don't want to keep secrets from you. _

_Love, Su_

* * *

_February 1998, part 2_

_Dear Lisa,_

_I got detention._

_I didn't intend to. One of the D.A. meetings ran late, past curfew, and it wasn't even intentional - it's because after practice we just all started talking and bullshitting, and nobody was keeping an eye on the time and then it was curfew. And we left individually, which is both a good and a bad thing - because yes, it minimizes the amount of people who could get caught at once, but it also means that funneling everyone out is slow as hell. It was a good thirty minutes past curfew when I started heading back to the Ravenclaw common room. And I tried to do a Disillusionment Charm on myself, but I'm freaking awful at them so it didn't work at all, and Alecto Carrow caught me. _

_She gave me one day's detention for the next afternoon and then escorted me up to the common room. _

_I guess they're instructing some of the willing students, because when I went down there to the dungeons, she supervised Crabbe and Goyle as they performed the curse. I don't even know how to freaking describe it. There are no words. It's just pure, senseless agony. I can understand why Morag just never mentions her time in detention. How the hell do you even begin to speak about something so indescribable? _

_They brought Daphne Greengrass in too, and asked (forced, it seemed?) her to try, and she did try, but it wasn't nearly as bad and it didn't seem like her heart was actually in it, so they called her useless and let her go, and then Alecto Carrow took over. _

_She was even stronger than Crabbe and Goyle. _

_After, I just - all I wanted was a safe place. And all I could think of was that week when I stayed at your house, and we crammed together on your little bed. I remember one time I woke up and you had your arm thrown over me, and you were curled around me. I know it was an accident, that something like that is bound to happen on such a small mattress, but I still remember waking up and feeling so safe and warm. That's all I wanted, after. I wanted to feel that secure again. _

_(I went up to the dormitory and sat on your empty bed for a while, and I wished we could all be together again, the way it's supposed to be. And I missed you more than ever. I still do.)_

_Love, Su_

* * *

_March 1998_

_Dear Lisa,_

_Michael's hurt. _

_He and Morag went to rescue a first-year that the Carrows had chained up in the dungeons. Morag brought the girl to the Room of Requirement and stashed her in there. Neville's been mentioning that as a possibility for months now, us hiding out in there if things worsen, and the Carrows going after one of the eleven-year-olds definitely counts as worsening to me. Morag didn't stay in there. The Carrows still don't know she had any part in this. Michael Disillusioned her down in the dungeons so she was able to sneak the girl out, but he got caught; I guess he pushed them ahead of them before trying to Disillusion himself, and Alecto Carrow saw him alone before he got the chance to finish the charm. _

_They kept him down there for forty-eight hours. Nobody's even come close to that. _

_He's very weak from the repeated Cruciatus. He's been awake, and coherent, but physically and mentally exhausted and in pain. His back is a mess - it looks like he'd been whipped, but he says it was some kind of curse. There's bruising around his neck like he was strangled, and he has at least one broken rib. _

_And still, guess what - the Carrows won't allow any kind of Pain-killing Potion. They're not even letting him go to the infirmary - they say he's fine. We've set up a corner of the common room for him, dragged one of the sofas out of the main area and tried to find a position to get him comfortable. Anthony's doing the best he can trying to heal him. Last I checked, he's making progress on the rib, but that's it. _

_Padma and Anthony had to be the ones to go get Michael. He couldn't make it out of the dungeons by himself when the Carrows said he was done; he made it into the corridor and then collapsed, and Daphne Greengrass found Padma in the library and told her, and Padma came up to the common room because she wasn't sure if she could manage it herself._

_Morag was about to go down to the Carrows' offices and give them a piece of her mind. I stayed in the common room with her while Padma and Anthony went and got Michael; I was afraid she'd do something stupid if I left her alone. She blames herself, I can tell. I feel bad for her as well as Michael - I suppose what she's experiencing is a form of survivor's guilt, even though he's alive. He'll be - I don't want to say he'll be fine, because I don't think any of us are fine. He'll be physically okay in a couple days, according to Anthony. _

_Mentally, emotionally, who knows. I still don't feel okay, and it's been weeks since I was down there, and that was barely an hour. But it's not about me right now._

_Love, Su_

* * *

_April 1998_

_Dear Lisa,_

_Everything is happening, it seems._

_Ginny's gone. She disappeared over spring holidays, and managed to send a coded message to Neville. What he got from it was that the Death Eaters have realized that her brother is Harry Potter's accomplice - wow, shocking, considering how inseparable they were during school - and whatever they're doing is potentially putting the rest of the family in danger, so she's in hiding. _

_And not long after that, Neville moved into the Room of Requirement. Amycus brought a couple younger students into Dark Arts and told us to practice on them. Neville threw a fit, and Carrow cursed him right there in the classroom, and then Seamus Finnegan started too, and they effectively started a riot in the classroom. All of us - except for people like Crabbe and Goyle - were yelling and throwing things and finally Amycus told us all to get the hell out except for Neville and Seamus. _

_They ran instead, and hid in the Room of Requirement. Other people have been trickling up there and joining them. There's even some of the younger students, like Rosemarie, the girl that Morag and Michael rescued from the dungeons. There's maybe fifteen people hiding in there right now._

_None of us have joined them yet. We've talked about it, all eight of us together. But there's an overwhelming truth: we're so close to being done here. Hogwarts education is mandatory right now, and I don't know what they'd do to people who just ditched the last couple of months. None of us want to risk it - not when after this, we're freer. Not free, not completely, not with everything that's going on, but freer than we are now. _

_Padma's talked about leaving the country. They're not letting people go, not through the normal legal channels, but I know illicit Portkeys exist, and I think she and her family plan to go looking. They have relatives in India; if they can get out, they'll have a place to go. _

_I've thought about it - I'd be lying if I said I hadn't thought about leaving. But I don't have a place to go, not really. My dad's family's been in the UK for five generations now, and my mum's side is all from here. There's no place waiting for me. And I don't think I could do it alone._

_When I finish Hogwarts and get out of here, I think I'm going to try looking for you. I don't know how far I'll get. I don't know if there are any clues. I don't know if you're still with Stephen. But I think my first stop will be your mum's house. I want to at least try. _

_It must suck, being on the run and in hiding, and I know that it wouldn't be some idyllic 'Let's run away together' kind of scenario, but I think I would rather be on the run with you than stuck in my parents' house, not knowing. I've spent all this time at Hogwarts not knowing, but at least the D.A. has kept me busy. At least I've had something to do. Going home sounds horrendous. I can't do that. _

_Michael's on his feet again, by the way. (I suppose that's the best way to describe it, because 'okay' or 'fine' just doesn't seem accurate). There's a hardness in his eyes, his voice, that wasn't there before, like he aged fifteen years in the span of forty-eight hours, but at least he's physically healthy again and he's eating and doing homework, so small mercies. _

_(At the first D.A. meeting after all of that, Morag stood up on a table and pointed at Michael and told everyone how he had Disillusioned her and Rosemarie and confronted Alecto so they could escape, thanked him profusely, called him a complete badass for dealing with 'forty-eight effing hours of hell', cursed out the Carrows, and ended with 'This is why we fight.' This coming from the same person who in previous years has called Harry Potter an 'overdramatic little shit' and said the return of You-Know-Who was 'not an immediate problem'. This year has very clearly changed us all.). _

_Love, Su_

* * *

_May 1998_

_Lisa-_

_Something's going on. There's a commotion and it all sounds really close and I don't know what's happening but I know I need to be a part of whatever it is. I need to know what's going on. If it's all coming to a head, this is what I've spent the entirety of my seventh year prepping for. I can't stand back. _

_(I'm gonna feel really stupid if I go and see what's happening, and it's just that someone broke a window or something like that and everyone freaked out.). _

_Look, I just - I need to tell you something. Just in case shit's going down. And I like to think that I'd get to tell you this in person, but I don't know if I'll see you again. And I hate saying that, but I know it's a distinct possibility. I don't know what's going to happen to me, or you, or any of us. If this is the end, if this is when we finally get the chance to fight back, I know that not everyone's going to make it. And I'm not okay with that, and the thought scares the hell out of me, but I have to be a part of this anyway. _

_So let me tell you something really quick._

_I'm in love with you. I haven't seen you in nearly a year, and I'm still in love with you. I've loved you for a long time. Probably fourth year. Maybe even before that. You're the kindest and sweetest person I know, you're brilliant and lovely and beautiful. It's dumb, but your hair freaking shines like gold in the sunlight and it's the most mesmerizing thing I've ever seen. You're the most mesmerizing thing I've ever seen. _

_I love you. I always will. And when this is all over, I'll find you, and tell you this in person. _

_Love, forever and always, Su Li_

* * *

It was nearly June of 1998 before Lisa Turpin realized the world was safe again.

She had spent the past six weeks or so hiding out on the outskirts of a small town. The town had a supermarket, which was the main draw; they threw out plenty of food that was still edible, but close to or just past its sell-by date. It was enough to get by, at least. And there was a library, which was great for killing time; as long as you were quiet, the librarians didn't question somebody spending hours a day there, and the lavatory was clean and a great place to wash up. She slept behind one of these two buildings most nights; once they closed up for the night nobody really went poking around.

And everything was quiet. Compared to the hell of winter - of losing Stephen to the Snatchers, of all those cold nights alone - it was a welcome relief.

And one day at the end of May, while she was heading to the back of the supermarket to check the rubbish-bins for food, she found several coins and a couple notes scattered on the ground. There were also some receipts, like somebody's bag had spilled open. She collected the money, stuffing it in her jacket pocket, and as she looked up, she saw the pay-phone that was adjacent to the store, and she had a wild, reckless idea.

With trembling fingers, she inserted the coins and dialed her old home phone number.

"Turpin residence." Her mum sounded tired and drawn.

"Mum?" Lisa's voice came out as a whisper.

"Lisa? Is that really you? Are you all right?"

"Yeah, I just - I wanted to hear your voice. How are you?"

"I'm fine, love." It sounded as though her mum was about to cry. "I've missed you, and I didn't know what was going on. A few people came by last year and asked where you were, searched the house, but I hadn't heard anything since. But Lisa - I got a letter from one of your classmates. Padma? Padma Patil? She wrote me saying that Voldemort is dead, and people like you - Mu- Muggle-born - don't have to hide anymore, that everything is on its way to being normal again. She said none of your classmates had heard from you, so she wanted to send me a letter in case I had a way of contacting you, or I heard from you."

"Merlin." Lisa leaned against the phone box for support. "W-when was this?"

"Earlier this month. It's over, Lisa. Come home."

* * *

She wrote Padma shortly after getting home, thanking her for informing her mum of the news, asking her to tell the other Ravenclaws that she was alive and returned, and asking if they might all meet up for a drink at the Three Broomsticks or the Leaky Cauldron.

Padma's response was short and sad.

_Lisa- _

_I hate to tell you this by letter, but I also hated the idea of making you nervous by saying 'we need to talk about it' or something to that effect. We're not all here. There was a fight against the Death Eaters. Kevin, Mandy, and Su are dead. We all fought. A lot happened this past year. And I'm so, so sorry to be the one to tell you this, and to do it this way, but to be honest I don't know how I could have said it out loud anyway. _

_I will let the others know that you're back, and I know they'll be glad to hear that you're here, but I don't know if everyone will want to get together. We haven't all been together as a group since the memorial services. I'll meet you - I found something that you deserve to have, anyway. _

_-Padma_

And Lisa cried, crumpling Padma's letter in her fist, sinking down to the floor of her bedroom. She thought of Kevin and his jokes, how he idolized the Weasley twins, how he could always lighten the mood - and wouldn't again. She thought of Mandy, and her quiet strength, how she didn't say much but she was the best listener Lisa had known. And she thought of Su, always a spitfire, passionate and fun and curious. She remembered inviting Su over a few years prior, and how confused Su was at the Muggle aspects of Lisa's home life, but how inquisitive she was about everything, willing to try new things and see as much as she possibly could.

(Sometimes, she thought that had been the best week of her life, and she wondered what that meant.).

* * *

Lisa met up with Padma at the Leaky Cauldron. They both ordered a Firewhiskey, sipped it slowly, and for a while they didn't speak.

"When I was helping clean up Hogwarts," Padma said, "I found this in our dormitory. With - with Su's things." She produced a small box and passed it to Lisa, who cracked the lid; the box was full of sheets of parchment, each dated with the month and addressed to Lisa. "I didn't read any of them - I just saw that they were for you. She would have wanted you to have them."

Lisa's eyes felt watery; she wiped her hand across her face. She held the box to her chest. "Thank you," she whispered, feeling that her voice would tremble if she tried to speak at a normal tone.

"Everything's still raw," Padma said, her own voice quiet. "Maybe those letters will fill you in on everything that happened. I don't know if any of us want to talk about it quite yet. You deserve to know what happened at Hogwarts, and not all the details are in the _Prophet, _but I just-" She hesitated. "I don't think I would even know where to begin."

"I understand," Lisa said. "This past year was difficult." She paused for a moment. "Stephen was killed. By Snatchers." It had been nearly six months. She hadn't spoken those words aloud yet, and doing so was almost startling, as though it made the entire situation more real.

"Shit." Padma pressed a hand to her face. Lisa had never heard her swear.

"I'm sorry. I don't want to make things worse, I just - I would feel awful if I didn't let you all know."

"No, no-" Padma wiped her own eyes. "I'd rather know, it's worse not knowing. We were all so worried about you two."

"I was worried about the rest of you, this whole goddamn year," Lisa whispered, and took a large sip from her glass. "Year from hell, is what it was."

"Agreed," Padma said, and drained her own glass. She didn't stick around, after that; she parted warmly but quickly. Lisa didn't take it personally. Socializing right now felt weird, almost wrong. She knew she would see the other Ravenclaws again - Padma's abruptness, and the reluctance of the others to meet, wasn't even a thought in Lisa's mind compared to the loss of the three dead. Compared to the loss of Su.

(It took a week before Lisa opened the box, and when she finally did, she read all of the letters in one night. And after reading them, she clutched the last one to her heart and sobbed for what could have been, and sobbed because nothing could ever be the same again.)

* * *

_A/N: Goddamn. It's been ages since I've written a fic this length. _

_This is part of my overall headcanon. I've written a lot of DH-era angst and minor characters, so if you liked this for either of those reasons, consider checking out some of my other stories. I haven't previously written a proper SuLisa fic, although there is brief mention of this storyline from Morag's perspective in 'Dark Times'. Shoutout to mew-tsubaki for many conversations discussing the Trio-era Ravenclaws, this pairing, and my successive updates of how freaking long this fic was getting, haha._

_Thanks for reading, and if you enjoyed, please leave a review! _


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